


The Lion and the Prisoner

by River_of_Dreams



Series: Interwoven [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel & Vessel Interactions, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Personality Disorder, did, vessel-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12643677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_of_Dreams/pseuds/River_of_Dreams
Summary: Gadreel wasn’t the kind of alter Liam was used to work with. His origin story was unusual, his role within the system unclear, and the grandiose style of his entrance definitely stood out.Luckily, he didn’t seem to be much of a troublemaker. In ways, his presence even made life easier for the rest of them.Maybe having an angel appearing in the system was a sign of healing.Liam wasn’t the kind of person to trust easily, but even he was beginning to hope.This is a story in which Gadreel is accepted by his vessel for who he isn’t, until the signs can’t be ignored anymore.This is also a story dealing with the aftermath of an angel leaving a vessel behind, written by a hopeless sap who refuses to accept 9x23 as the end of a favorite character.Canon-compliant through season 9 till the first few episodes of season 10, after which it handwaves and ignores a lot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I’m aware that DID is a controversial topic. Most of what I know and believe about it comes from talking with people/systems diagnosed or self-diagnosed with the condition. It’s only recently that I found out DID is largely considered therapy-induced.  
> The thing about that is, these people, the alters, maybe didn’t have to form, or gain self-awareness, if it wasn’t for misguided therapy, but they did. When something tells me, I exist, I think, I feel, I’m a person, and proceeds to act like a person, I will always, always err on the side of respect.  
> The other thing is, I live on a mostly pleasant and beneficial borderline of the condition myself, so I’m a sort of supporting evidence that it can come to be naturally and without underlying trauma. :)
> 
> That said, I can only hope I can do the full-blown, much less fun version of DID justice, because that is something I don’t pretend to have direct experience with.
> 
> Warnings for mentioned/past drug abuse, allusions to child abuse, self-harm, identity issues, family issues, and DID comorbid disorders.
> 
> The first draft is fully written, so unless the editing process runs away with me and becomes rewriting, updates will be fast.

Liam woke up at home, in his own bed, in the T-shirt and shorts he normally used for sleepwear, without a trace of a hungover and not sore at all.

He frowned in confusion into his pillow, waiting for the questions in his head to wake him up enough to make him paw over his nightstand for his cellphone to find some answers.

He found it at the first try. It was exactly where he would put it himself, connected to the charger.

Despite his rising dread, the screen showed Tuesday morning: the right day, just a confusingly early hour.

He settled back down into the pillow, trying to quell his nervousness and enjoy the unexpectedly pleasant morning, but the ‘unexpected‘ part was too jarring.

Eventually he sighed, threw his legs over the edge of the bed and pushed himself upright, rubbing the last dregs of sleep from his face.

His bedroom was as orderly as always when he was in charge, which only made his apprehension rise.

On a normal Tuesday morning, there would be clothes all over the floor and he would be passed out mostly naked on the bed.

On a bad Tuesday morning, he would wake up collapsed next to the toilet and immediately throw up.

Barefoot, he got up and padded through the apartment, looking for anything that could explain the situation.

In the bathroom, the clothes he had expected to find strewn like a line of breadcrumbs leading to his bed were actually in the hamper, but they were one of the sets he never wore when he was himself, so his other half definitely had been in charge for a while. A few other things he spotted were slightly off, confirming the impression.

The clothes, when he reluctantly pulled a handful out and sniffed, smelled faintly of smoke, sweat and cologne he also never wore. She made it out of the apartment and into the club, then.

He threw the clothes back and continued into the tiny living room-slash-kitchen, eyes immediately straying to the whiteboard on the wall.

 

WE NEED TO TALK. <3

 

He grimaced.

The whole situation suddenly made far too much sense: it reeked of bad conscience.

He briefly wrestled with the temptation to immediately go demand some explanations, but he knew that, ironically, it wouldn’t work until he calmed down. So he forced himself to go through his usual morning routine, trying to enjoy the relative peace while it lasted.

Less than an hour later he gave up.

He made his rounds, first making sure the door and windows are locked, then skimming the apartment once more for anything betraying the presence of a stranger. It was mostly an empty ritual by now, but it still helped him relax. Concluding he won’t be any more prepared anytime soon, he crossed the room and sat down in the oversized, ancient armchair in the corner. He pulled his long legs up, one ankle crossed over the other. The armchair took his full weight with gentle familiarity. He would be able to sit there for hours, letting the muted sounds of the neighborhood wash over him, but it wasn’t why he was here.

With a sigh, he took one last hard look at the apartment.

The clock on the wall showed 9:27 in the morning.

He closed his eyes and turned his attention inward.

The common space, when he managed to picture it, was mostly the same living room. It was bigger, sunnier, with more bookshelves, better furniture and no kitchen corner unless he needed it, but still essentially the same. This was the place where he finally started to feel some control over his life, as close to a safe home as he’s ever had.

“Hey, tiger.“

That was fast. He took in the petite young woman lounging against the doorjamb, the door to her bedroom closed behind her back. As always, she was a mess of incongruous details: pure white sneakers and torn light blue jeans, a black corset with red lace, make-up fit for a prostitute, hair – black, this time, with a streak of neon green – bound into a ponytail ending in a perfect girly curl, a candy bracelet around her right wrist and the unmistakable shape of brass knuckles in her pocket.

“Wrong species,“ he told her dryly.

She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Details. Chickenkitty.“

He grinned, wide and warm. No matter how many times they repeated this particular exchange, it still amused him. Not least because not so long ago he wouldn’t have been able to imagine being accepted so easily, feeling so secure with someone that she could tease him and he knew it was friendly.

“Good to see you, Jay.“

She made a passable attempt at an answering smile, but he knew her well enough to catch the flicker of guilt. Or maybe he just knew to expect it.

“So, why did you try so hard to put me in a good mood today?“ he asked, eyebrows lifted meaningfully. She outright fidgeted.

This wasn’t good. All that kept him relatively calm was that he’d know if she relapsed into drugs or cutting, if she got into a fight or spent part of her night on the police station for any other reason. He was too well rested for the last and too undamaged and clear-headed for everything else.

“What is it?“ he asked gently when she still hesitated.

“I… may have invited someone in,“ she finally said.

He immediately tensed, almost enough for it to kick him out of the right state of mind. He reminded himself firmly that he has checked, there was nobody else at the apartment and no signs a stranger had been there during the night.

“You had someone over?“ It came out sharp, but he couldn’t care less. She’d never broken this part of their agreement before. He gave her control once a week to let off steam, to do whatever she wanted with their shared body as long as it wasn’t permanent, illegal or harming, but the apartment was their haven, their lair. Not even his coworkers knew where he lived. The last thing he wanted was to have to deal with any of her one-night-stands, especially because he knew her type.

“No. Nothing like that,“ she assured him quickly, lifting her hands and pressing her back against the door. It was enough to make him lean back as well, pry his fists open. He didn’t mind when she knew he was angry, but he didn’t want her to fear him. He took a deep breath.

“Sorry. How did you mean that, then?“

“I… think I invited someone in here. From the outside.“

It took him a moment to understand.

“You mean… What happened?“

She shrugged, feigning casual, but her eyes were wary.

“I was at the club, doing the usual, when the ground started to shake. I kid you not. The lights flickered, the music started to screech with feedback and stuff, but it wasn’t so bad so most people just went on dancing and tried to ignore it. But some started looking around, so that bit was definitely real. Then I heard someone, and it was- There was so much light, so much noise, but I understood it somehow and I- I don’t know, I’ve never felt so good, not even after a hit. I felt-“ She jerked her shoulders, hesitating, then lifted her chin. “I felt pure. Chosen, and- I don’t know, cherished. The voice sounded scared, though. It told me it was an angel and it asked for my help. For some reason it thought it needs to hide in a human body, as crazy as that sounds, and I really didn’t have it in me to say no. So I said okay, come on, and then all that light poured into me and that was- Seriously, I thought you’d wake up for that because it felt as if it filled me whole and lighted me from the inside, but you didn’t and the angel somehow made themselves dark and vanished and that was it.“

She shrugged again.

“After that I wasn’t in the mood to party anymore, so I went home and got us to bed. That’s it.“

He breathed slowly, focused on staying in the common space to be able to talk to her.

“Have you ever hallucinated before?“

One thing he liked about her was that she was down to earth enough to not get offended by the question.

“Nope.“ She dropped her gaze briefly and scuffed her shoe against the floor. “You know this stuff happens. Things coming in from the outside.“

He sucked in a breath, then let it gently out.

“I know it’s the origin story for some alters, yes.“

She rolled her eyes at him.

“Ever thought for a second, Mr. Reasonable, that there might be more to reality than you think?“

“No,“ he replied without hesitation. “I can’t afford it.“

Her expression broke before she quickly hid it by putting a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Okay. I’m just telling you, this was different from how I met any of the others. Take from it what you will.“

He nodded slowly, accepting the peace offering.

“Did you try to find it again? Maybe call on it?“

She shook her head.

“Not yet. I wanted you to know first.“

“Thank you.“ When she didn’t perk up, he forced a small encouraging smile. “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it. We always do. Just- be careful, please. I’ll try to come back in the evening.“

She gave him a crooked smile of her own. “Don’t worry, tiger. I can handle myself.“

It didn’t sound like a reprimand and his smile turned genuine for a moment, before it dropped. While he kept them all fed, clothed and alive, she did most of the inside work to keep them reasonably sane. He hated it. Now that they have found some sort of balance, now that he finally learned to share and she learned to handle her time out without the worst excesses, he hated that he can’t follow her around and keep her safe, and she knew it.

He was starting to lose concentration already.

“I know,” he said, because trusting her and boosting her confidence was about the only thing he could do for her here.

She grinned, far too knowing, and that was the last he saw before he was pulled back to the reality of his aching legs and a car honking somewhere nearby.

He put his feet back on the ground, one after the other, and then rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his palms over his face.

Just when he thought he put his life in order. Just when he allowed himself to tentatively enjoy the simple routine.

Seemed the break was over, and it was back to work.

 

He spent the time until evening doing small chores around the apartment, reading, exercising and relaxing the best he could, trying to enjoy the fact he had half a day more time to do with as he pleased. Usually after Jay’s outings he woke up around noon and it took him until evening to start to feel human.

Pun intended.

By the time of dinner he already knew he wouldn’t be able to join Jay again today. He was too restless, monitoring himself too closely for new impulses and blackouts to give up full consciousness. He tried anyway. He’d promised.

He checked the whole apartment once more, this time not as much for an intruder as for changes he was not aware of making himself. He didn’t find any. Still, it took him a long while to settle into the armchair and suppress the urge to keep his eyes open. His attempt to picture the common space was not half-hearted, but it was too forced to work.

He was about to give up when he suddenly found himself inside, standing face to face with Jay and someone new.

The transition was so abrupt that he physically flinched. Normally, that would be enough to break his concentration. Not this time. He slid from the scene before him into the awareness of his sitting body and then right back as if something dragged him here.

Hackles rising, he glared at the figure to Jay’s left, then frowned.

There was nothing recognizable about it other than a vaguely human shape. It wasn’t blurry, but it wasn’t definable either, like a stranger you pass in the street, never look at directly and never recall again.

“You wanted to come,“ the being stated. It didn’t sound particularly convinced, but it also didn’t sound like anything else he has ever heard. Its voice was both weirdly melodic and disconcerting, as if several people of various genders and ages were talking at once on the barely there background of a tuning orchestra.

“Are you holding me here?“ he demanded.

“I’m assisting you,“ it said, the music fading from its speech but the mess of voices getting agitated. “If you prefer to be aware of your surroundings while we talk, I will release you of course, but in that case you won’t be able to hear Jennifer anymore. It was my impression that you would prefer her company. I could relay to you anything she says, but if you do not trust me to help you stay here, how would you trust I speak the truth?“

“Hey,“ Jay murmured to it softly. “Easy. Just say your piece. It will be okay.“

The creature shifted, flickered into something huge and immaterial with far too many appendages and back to humanoid before Liam could comprehend what he saw.

“Forgive me. I didn’t know there is more than one awareness in this body. Had I known, I would have asked your permission to enter, too.“

Liam’s eyebrows drew together.

“You couldn’t. I wasn’t conscious at the time.“

“I could have drawn you out.“

Jay snorted.

“Yeah. Because he reacts so well when you drop him into the middle of a crowd.“

Liam shuddered in complete agreement. It happened only once that he woke up in a club, the roar of music in his ears and writhing bodies all around him. He still thanked God he hadn’t hurt anybody too badly in his panicked dash to the nearest exit.

“Would it be… impolite?“ the creature chanced, missing the point by miles, and that genuine cluelessness finally made him relax a bit.

“What are you?“ he asked.

The creature showed its palms, or at least that was the impression the gesture made.

“I’m an angel.“

Liam tilted his head, considering.

“What’s your name?“

The angel took a while to respond, probably so new to conscious existence that it first had to come up with its own name.

“Gadreel.“ And that was surprisingly firm, a single voice, no music.

“Gadreel,” he acknowledged. “I’m Liam. You’ve met Jay, obviously.“

“I’m honored to make your acquaintance,“ the angel replied formally, but as far as Liam could tell, it was honest.

Liam watched it for a bit more, then sighed.

“You’re strong, and I guess you’re here to stay, so you need to know what to do if you find yourself in control and we aren’t around to help you. First off, use the name David Swoboda, never your own. It’s the name of the body and the only one anybody needs to know, except our therapist. Clear?“

Gadreel regarded him in apparent confusion.

“You lie about your name among your own kind?“

“None of them are my kind.“

Jay grimaced at him, both understanding and utterly unimpressed, and Liam sucked in a breath.

“Look. What you have to understand is that we aren’t human to them. To other people. We are symptoms, fragments – imaginary friends and hallucinations. To them, we aren’t real.“

“They would be right that I am not human,“ the angel said carefully.

“Neither am I, not the point. If you want us to be treated with any kind of basic dignity, you can’t ever let anybody know. You can’t let them know that you are anything other than they expect.“

The angel considered him.

“You lie to receive the respect you deserve, which is the truth behind your lie.“

Liam’s eyebrows twitched together in doubt, but in the end he nodded.

“You could say that.“

“I understand. However, I don’t intend to take control of the body, unless you are in danger or you call on me. You gave me shelter; rest assured I will repay that kindness.“

Liam stared at it, dumfounded. Even Jay gave it a weird look.

“Are you offering to protect us?“

“Yes.“

That didn’t make sense. Liam was the protector within the system, always had been. Nobody else ever competed with him for the role. Some had mocked his competence, some had fought him, but they never tried to replace him.

“I think I’m fine, thanks. If you’re sure you can stay in, then stay in. You’re new. A lot of things we need to do out there in the real world are things you wouldn’t know how to do. And I don’t mean someone would try to beat you if you get them wrong, though even that could happen. I mean we could lose our job, our apartment, and go hungry. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, that’s exactly what I’m getting at.“

The angel inclined its head.

“Then I will merely watch and learn.”

Liam suppressed a grimace.

They have figured a while ago that Jay was sometimes co-conscious with him, because she knew some of what he learned when he was in charge, usually the most interesting and colourful tidbits. That didn’t mean he was happy that something he didn’t know or trust, something as unformed and unpredictable as the angel, would look over his shoulder. But that wasn’t the angel’s fault and he’d rather have him not so clueless if they ever switched.

“I guess you’ll learn to mix a lot of drinks, then.” He shook his head. “What gender are you, even? If any?“

“None,“ came the calm reply. “Very few angels even prefer one, much less have one.“

“I think Liam is asking about pronouns,“ Jay clarified. “What should we call you when a name isn’t handy? He, she? They? It? Something more fancy?“

The angel showed its palms.

“Anything that is not a slur will do. Maybe… not they. I am… not that. Anything else I will accept.“

Jay gave him a somewhat sour grin. “A word of advice, then. If you really don’t care, go with male. Life is a lot easier when you match the body.“

The angel tilted its head.

“Thank you. I will.“

And just like that, he suddenly reflected the body perfectly, down to the sweatpants and t-shirt Liam was wearing in the real world.

Liam recoiled and Jay took half a step to the side.

“Whoa!“

“Is this wrong?“ Gadreel asked. His voice was suddenly Liam’s, too.

“Nah,“ Jay replied, looking between them. “Just a little freaky. Please at least get different clothes. Or, if it’s so easy for you to move around here, I don’t know, maybe we could give you a bell or something so we know where you are.“

Liam felt far from grinning like she was, considering this new, clueless version of himself.

Gadreel made a face, not comprehending at first, then exasperated, and then his expression gentled.

“Jennifer, I’m not a threat to you, I swear.“

Maybe he wasn’t so clueless after all. Jay tensed.

“You know that’s not something you can just say, right?”

Gadreel frowned, then dropped his gaze. Liam wasn’t sure how to read his expression. Jay maybe could, because she thawed a little.

“Hey. Just play nice for a while and it will be okay. We have no idea where you came from and why are you here, you can’t blame us for being spooked a bit. Especially when you seem to think you can do a damn lot around here. We’ve had a few nasty surprises in the past, you know? I don’t think you’ll turn out being one of them, but better safe than sorry. Alright?“

Slowly, the angel inclined his head.

“I don’t blame you for being cautious.“

“Good boy.“

She patted his arm. The look he gave her was strange, but he didn’t move away from her.

Liam shook his head, bewildered. He’s gotten fairly good over the past few years at guessing the roles of various beings Jay dragged up from the depths of their shared unconscious mind for him to get to know and, usually, deal with, but Gadreel tripped him up. For something that called itself an angel, he was surprisingly humble, and decidedly unsaintlike.

The only reassuring thing about the whole situation was that in Liam’s experience, someone as new and unaware about the outer world as Gadreel was never lied. Sometimes they knew and acted on only a part of the truth, sometimes they changed their mind faster than a three-year-old, and sometimes they mocked, their expression clearly belying their words. Sometimes they were later revealed to be something else than they originally seemed, or even claimed, but he was inclined to believe they didn’t know their own true nature until that time, either.

If Gadreel seemed to respect them, to want to learn from them and even protect them, it had to be true. It didn’t make much sense, but it had to be true.

Gadreel’s eyes turned to him, clear and wary. Unnerving, even though he wouldn’t be the first being in here who caught some of what Liam was thinking every once in a while.

There was a catch hidden somewhere, Liam knew. There always was, by the simple rule that if Gadreel was as unproblematic as he seemed, he would never make it into a conscious state. Not in their screwed up system.

Liam nodded to him in acceptance anyway, and had the opportunity to see Gadreel’s expression clear with relief.

“I think you could let me wake up now,“ Liam told him. “I have work tomorrow.“

“Of course,“ Gadreel replied immediately.

And just like that, he found himself back in his real apartment.

He shook his head and made to get up from the armchair. It was surprisingly easy, as if his joints haven’t had the time yet to get stiff, even though he’s spent almost an hour perfectly motionless.

Puzzled but far from complaining, Liam merely rolled his shoulders and went to get ready for bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swoboda means Freedom in Polish. I couldn’t resist. What better name for Gadreel’s vessel?


	2. Chapter 2

The following day, Jay got chatty.

The first time he heard her remark, Liam dropped the beer he was serving; luckily the bottle was so near the top of the bar that it just clunked loudly against the wood.

She snickered at him and faded from his senses.

The second time she used the lull in the shift to share an anecdote she’s heard at the club once, but he barely listened.

_How can I hear you?_ he thought loudly at her, grabbing the nearest empty glass to occupy his hands.

He couldn’t see her, but the impression of a smirk was unmistakable.

_Guess Gadreel found out how to let us talk._

Liam frowned.

_He’s there?_

_Where else?_

The angel’s voice, when he spoke, still sounded unnervingly like his own.

_I am here, Liam._

Liam hummed.

Maybe having an angel appear in the system was a sign of things turning for the better. Being able to talk with Jay whenever he wanted was definitely a bonus, even if it meant he would probably have to negotiate for some privacy soon.

 

Gadreel loved people watching.

Liam found that out before his evening shift the next day, when Gadreel quietly, almost timidly, asked to be able to see more than the bar patrons. Liam took them to the park after he bought the groceries for the next few days and they spent a couple of hours watching children, joggers, strolling couples and dogs.

If Liam had any doubts about there being an actual, real difference between various people within one body, the day would clear them out. He hasn’t had so many dogs come sniff at him in his life, not to mention one particularly curious and determined whatever small bird it was that came progressively closer whenever there wasn’t a dog, until it sat on Liam’s – Gadreel’s? – knee and then flitted to his shoulder when the next mutt showed up.

Fortunately, the bird left when they got up to go get ready for work.

The feeling of Gadreel’s presence faded somewhat when they left the park, but the sense of wonder remained, leaving Liam smiling faintly and more relaxed than he remembered being in years.

Of course he shoudn’t have afforded that. As he rounded a corner, a herd of kids came barreling past him, startling him badly. The first one managed to avoid him, but the next one tripped in his desperate attempt not to crash into him.

Liam’s hands shot forward, caught the boy and righted him before he even processed what was happening.

The whole herd was long gone and Liam still stood there, dumbstruck and verging on angry.

_What was that?_

There was a long, long silence before Gadreel replied.

_The child could have gotten hurt._

_What happened to never taking over my body?_

This time, the pause was shorter, and the voice much more determined.

_I could not let him fall._

_Not the point._ He realized he’s still standing there like a lamppost and started walking, his fists closing. _You just took over. Just like that. Do you not see any problem with that?_

_There was no time to ask you. The child could have gotten hurt. Saving him cost you nothing. It didn’t put you in danger._

Liam had to hold himself back not to growl.

_One rule, Gadreel. You don’t get to decide whether it cost me something or not. That is on me and only on me, understood?_

The silence inside was tense.

_I understand._

No sort of an apology followed and Liam nodded to himself, unsurprised and slowly calming down.

_That said, I don’t blame you for helping the kid. We just need to talk. You are obviously going to get in control when you think it’s important enough. So we are going to set rules for this. Okay?_

The angel’s presence in his mind unwound a little.

_That is okay, yes._

The word sounded so unnatural in his voice that it made Liam grin.

 

“The first time we’ve met, you said you weren’t human,“ Gadreel said.

It was the fourth evening, or maybe the fifth if Liam counted from Jay’s point of view. They were all three of them lounging rather comfortably in the common space, which was now big enough for a whole sitting area which they now occupied. The windows have gotten larger, too, the light from the setting sun pouring in, and instead of the sounds of traffic, there was birdsong and breeze and children shrieking with laughter in the distance.

Liam patted Jay’s socked feet that somehow ended up in his lap, then began to knead them absentmindedly, even though he has never had the opportunity to do that for someone in the real life. He thought he would rather like to do that, perhaps, especially if it made them melt so completely as it did Jay.

He spared a glance at her, but she wasn’t actually losing shape. He’s learned not to take anything for granted in here.

“I’m not, originally.“

He briefly considered changing into his real form, something he rarely ever did anymore unless he had to fight on the inside, then let go of the idea. For one, he would have to let go of Jay, which was a nice excuse. Mostly, though, taking that shape would feel like surrendering the image of their human body to Gadreel as if he was its rightful owner. Liam was barely getting used to the idea of having a third, mostly non-problematic active member in the system, he wasn’t prepared to defer to him in any way.

“How could that be? You come from a human soul.“

Liam’s lips crooked.

“On some level, I know, believe me. There’s nowhere else I could come from. I am-“ His breath caught. Jay hissed when he pressed too hard into the arch of her foot. With a mumbled word of apology he pushed her legs from his lap to make sure he doesn’t hurt her. His fists closed on his knees.

“I am David’s creation that took a life of its own. I know that. My origin story is just that, a story. Medically speaking-“

“Screw medically speaking,“ Jay interrupted him and pushed her feet back over his thighs. “You’re a person. So am I. So is Gadreel.“

Liam closed his eyes and huffed, trying to calm down.

“David. The name of the body,“ Gadreel said wonderingly. He paused, probably aware he’s treading on uncertain ground, but he asked the question anyway. “What happened to him?“

Liam ground his teeth, his eyes squeezed shut. He was grateful when Jay decided to answer.

“He fell asleep when he was a teen. A couple of kids beat us up, we ended up on the operating table. He never woke up after that.“

Liam was still gathering the courage to even look at his companions when Gadreel asked, “May I see him?“

 

Jay led them through the corridor that changed their apartment into the hospital ward where David lay, surrounded by equipment that didn’t have any real function. The steady beat of his heart filled the air.

Liam stared at his pale form and wished, for once, that it hadn’t become so easy for him to move around the mindspace. It used to take a long preparation, tremendous effort and several false starts for him to find himself here, something he hasn’t found the strength for over the past two years and only rarely before that.

Nothing he tried had helped David then and another visit wouldn’t help him now.

He couldn’t find it in him to protest when Gadreel moved to the bed, laid a gentle palm against the boy’s forehead and closed his eyes. For a long while, both Liam and Jay were silent, watching the both of them. Jay looked hopeful; Liam wasn’t so naïve.

“Can you wake him?“ Jay asked the moment Gadreel withdrew his hand. She was staring at David as if she believed he'll open his eyes any moment now and didn't want to miss it.

“I'm afraid not,“ came the expected reply. “Or not for long.”

Gadreel looked at them.

“There is something holding him in this state, something natural. It’s not something I can cleanse from him and I don’t have enough experience with human souls to untangle it. I’m sorry.“

Jay’s shoulders drooped.

“How about putting him into a different environment? Take him home, make him his own room – something where he would like to wake up. I have a few ideas.“

“No,“ Liam protested before he consciously decided to do so. Jay frowned at him, not happy about having her idea shot down. Gadreel merely watched him, looking as if he already understood.

“We can’t take him out of here until he’s better. When people are in this state, you take them home to die in peace. As long as he’s in here, we haven’t given up on him.“

Jay’s frown broke, softened. She looked back at David.

“Okay. I guess that makes sense.“

Liam still wanted to be anywhere but here, and to his relief, he managed to resurface to the real world, Gadreel and Jay silent in his head.

He hunched forward and rubbed at his face, trying to dislodge the image of David, fragile and barely breathing, from behind his eyelids. Then he paced the room and eyed the walls, wishing for pain to drown out the shame of failure eating at him, but he’d made a promise. He had a responsibility, too. He wouldn’t be able to work with broken knuckles.

In the end he grabbed his keys and ran, ran harder, until he collapsed in the fields, far out of town. His whole consciousness was full of the burn of his muscles and the gasps of air he drew and the drum of his heartbeat shaking his whole body and that was better.

He wasn’t quite sure whose will dragged their exhausted body back home, but his mind remained blissfully empty for the rest of the day.

 

“Where is Gadreel?”

Jay shook her head, looking lost and tiny in the huge common space. The sitting area to the side somehow lost its appeal.

“He wanted to know if there’s anybody else inactive. So I showed him the Beast. I think he needs some time to process.“

Liam swallowed, the fine hair rising all over his body. For the first time in a long time, he felt his wings flare out, even though he was in the wrong form for them.

“Did he do anything?“ he demanded.

“Just stared at him for a while. And the Beast just stared back, that was the really weird part. So. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been.“

Liam nodded numbly.

Jay’s hair was a riot of colors. Under a silver-spiked, black leather jacket that wasn’t big enough to close at her chest, her shirt was way too thin, and her feet were bare and bleeding.

“You dumbass,” she said. “This is where you hug me.”

She didn’t make a move when he quickly walked over to her, but she let him engulf her in a hug, gentle at first and then stronger when she burrowed into him.

Then he remembered her bleeding feet and lifted her up like a child.

The mindspace had its advantages.

She weighed next to nothing and his muscles never felt the strain.

He held her for hours.

 

The next time Gadreel spoke up in Liam’s mind, it was the beginning of Liam’s three days off. He sat on the bus, an old canvas backpack between his feet, trying not to think of the duty ahead of him.

_You aren’t happy about going to visit your mother. Why?_

It was better than talking about the Beast, but not by much.

_Because she is David’s mother, not mine._

_I saw enough of your memories to know she loves you._

Liam huffed through his nose and fell back against the seat.

_She loves me because she thinks I’m her son. I’m not. I’m the thing that failed to protect her son._

Outside the grimy window, the landscape was running by, dry and bright.

_She doesn’t know,_ Gadreel realized, stunned. 

Liam kept his eyes open, watching out for anything interesting in the rolling fields. He didn’t want to slip into the mindspace, not for this talk. He didn’t want to have it at all, but Gadreel was one of them now. He should know their shared history.

_It’s not her fault we turned out this way. She has dealt with so much because of us already. I don’t want to add this onto her shoulders. She has her own demons, but she always did everything she could for us._ He closed his fists until his nails bit into his palms, even though it didn’t do much to distract him. _She even left the original Beast for us. The one who…_ He swallowed, trying to pick a word and shying from the task at the same time. In the end, the neutral one was the one he could make himself think aloud. _Abused us. She believed us when we finally told her. Not all mothers do, you know? Or take action. She deserves to think we’re mostly fine._

Gadreel’s presence was soft, warm, so horribly at odds with what Liam was feeling.

_You pretend for her sake._

Liam’s lips twisted.

_I’ve gotten fairly good at it, I think._

His stop came way too soon. Unenthusiastically, he hefted his backpack over one shoulder while the bus slowed, wishing to be anywhere but here.

_I hear a prayer,_ Gadreel said suddenly. _We must ride on._

Liam blinked.

_What?_

_Someone is praying for our assistance. Liam, Jennifer, I must help him._

Liam let his legs carry him out of the bus on automatic, too focused on the conversation for anything more. Gadreel sounded urgent, distressed.

_Don’t people pray all the time?_

_Not to me. Not so desperately. Please, it’s just one stop further. At least let me investigate._

The relief from the angel when Liam climbed back in and paid for one more stop was palpable. Liam hated to rain on his parade, but it seemed he won’t be able to avoid it.

He sighed and settled back into his seat.

_Gadreel, you have to understand. What is true inside doesn’t really translate out into the real world. The prayer you’ve heard came from the inside, one way or another. You should investigate there, not in reality. Maybe you’ll discover someone, who knows?_

He was ready for the angel to get dejected, or to argue with him. What he got instead was complete, unreadable silence, even though the feeling of Gadreel’s presence didn’t fade.

_You think I am human._

Liam grimaced.

_I think you are no more and no less human than I am. It’s one thing to be an angel. It’s another thing to have an angel’s powers on the outside. It sucks, I know, believe me. I had wished, so many times… but no. We aren’t so special. I’m sorry, Gadreel._

_I understand,_ came the calm reply. _We will walk into the hospital. We will be careful so that we don’t reveal ourselves if the prayer wasn’t true. Do you agree?_

Liam smiled in relief.

_Yeah, we can do that. But let me handle the part of not revealing ourselves, okay?_

_As you wish._

There really was a hospital near the next stop. Liam remembered David’s mother told him about it, once, because it was the nearest one to her home. It didn’t explain the confidence with which Gadreel led them straight to it, even though it wasn’t visible from the bus stop.

In another confusing turn, Gadreel didn’t walk them to the main entrance and the reception desk, but to the garage, his pace quickening as they neared.

Liam began to fall back into the common space against his will.

_Gadreel? Gadreel! Are you doing this! Gadreel, we need to walk into this together, remember?_

The angel stood there, in their shared and improved living room. His expression was closed off, distant, as if he didn’t really see Liam, or Jay uncertainly watching from the sidelines.

“I’m sorry, Liam. There are other angels coming. I can’t afford the distraction. I will keep you safe, I promise.“

Liam started forward. “Don’t you dare-“

His world went black.


	3. Chapter 3

For an entity who was with them only a few days, it was surprisingly hard to get used to life without Gadreel.

Liam woke up in the hospital with such a strong urge to get away that he was already sitting on the bus by the time he worked up to a conscious thought. That was the first parting gift; the second was knowing what happened. The men they came to help were in danger and one of them was damaged – which was the exact word that came to Liam’s mind – so badly that Gadreel stood no chance of healing him from the outside. He chose to switch to him, to offer what healing and protection he could without dragging Liam and Jay into it any further.

There was an apology in there somewhere for putting them at risk, both for taking them into the hospital at all and for leaving them there, but not for what turned out to be their greatest problem, hitting with the weight of a mountain once they sorted through the information: the utter, crushing emptiness Gadreel has left in his wake.

It wasn’t mourning for one of them, not exactly. It felt more as if someone took the world from around them and left them drowning. Somehow, Gadreel had managed to put them on an even keel within the few days he was with them, making day to day life almost effortless. That was all lost now. The first to go was the ability to wake up every morning feeling well rested, not matter how little they slept. What followed was a slow descent into one of the worst lows in the last several years, complete with anxiety attacks and auditory hallucinations for Liam and bouts of insomnia for Jay. The only thing that remained was the ease with which Liam and Jay now communicated, so at least they could clutch at each other and somehow weather the snowstorm together.

It took weeks for that feeling of absence of something vital to fade to bearable levels.

Still, when Gadreel came the second time, vast and overwhelming and more beautiful than anything Liam has ever seen, Liam didn’t even hesitate.

He had a brief moment to experience Gadreel’s fright and guilt and desperation as all that light poured in, then nothing.

 

When he regained consciousness some indeterminate time later in a ditch by a playground, Gadreel was gone again and several months have passed. There was no parting information, only sick emptiness, scars, and nightmares. The last of which weren’t even his usual fare. In these, he didn’t run. He wasn’t hiding from the stalking beast, always ending up cornered in the one place it always came to find him. In these he didn’t fight and fail, he didn’t cower from fists and boots in fear of the glint of a blade.

In these, he was the killer.

He made it into a library once, pulled up national news and the list of wanted persons. His portrait or name never cropped up, but the increase in murders was terrifying. They were all over the country, most of them committed with a knife – less reputable sources talked about a mysterious, triangular blade, a single killing blow for most of the victims, of people being found dead in places they would never go and yet without any signs they got there under anything other than their own will.

There were too many victims for a single murderer.

The nightmares meant nothing.

He told himself that as he threw up into a toilet and then washed his hands over and over again.

 

He was completely alone for three weeks, forbidding himself to think about the terrifying emptiness inside, forbidding himself to think about what Gadreel might have done with their body during those missing months, forbidding himself to think about pretty much anything but how to get back on his feet.

Then Jay made it up from whatever depth of their shared psyche she had been hiding in. It got a little easier after that. They still spent half a year homeless before Liam secured a job, medication that actually worked for them and an apartment, in that order.

Gadreel didn’t come a third time.

Liam wasn’t sure what he’d tell him.

 

_Hey, Liam. Liam! Come on! You have to see this._

Liam woke up with difficulty, blinking into the amber light of sunrise – no, sunset, the same one he last saw a few minutes earlier when he fell back to make space for Jay and her regular outings. They have mellowed, anyway; he rarely fought hungover the next day and even more rarely woke up sore in places that the thought of what had transpired made him sick.

_What is it?_

_Come into the common space and you’ll see._

Doing that was a little more difficult than it had been while Gadreel was around, but still much easier than it used to be before him. It helped that Jay hasn’t dragged them anywhere yet. The tiny rented apartment was slowly becoming familiar enough to help Liam relax.

The common space still looked like their old apartment, shrunk back to size for two. Jay stood in a doorway that hadn’t been there in reality, the one that led to the deeper parts of their shared mind that Liam rarely visited. She looked as ragged as ever, but she was grinning like a lunatic.

“What is it?“ he repeated, confused, but not as wary about whatever surprise she wanted to spring at him as he once would have been.

Her grin softened a little as she stepped aside.

“Look who I found awake.“

Liam’s throat went dry and his knees went out from under him. He hit the floor hard, and somehow in the mindspace it was painless but the shock of it still drove all the air from his lungs.

David stood there in the doorway, fully dressed, hands in the pockets of his jeans and a small, uncertain smile on him like he used to have when he dared to hope things would get better.

He was still sixteen, woefully behind the body, but he was there.

His smile became a little self-deprecating, but never lost warmth.

“Hey, Liam.“

Liam thought he would cry.

It wasn’t until David came to him and brought their foreheads together that he realized that he’s shifted, leaving the image of the body to its rightful owner. Deep rumble of a purr shook his belly when David’s hands found their way into his mane, and his tawny wings made a cocoon for them both.

Jay gave them their privacy for a good long while. Even after that, she didn’t step into their hushed conversation. She simply walked over and sat down, sprawled comfortably over the floor and Liam’s flank, and listened in.

Liam has never felt more whole.

 

The regular monthly call to David’s mother went by a week from that moment, and for the first time in sixteen years, it was David who made it.

Liam listened in, ready to catch him if it went wrong.

It didn’t go exceptionally well, but it was a start.

 

It was some time after that, maybe a month or two. Liam has lost track, juggling the job, the bills and David’s first tentative outings, mostly so far in the privacy of their home or out of town, where the most human contact was the occasional dog owner on a stroll.

David had even suggested getting a dog for themselves. It was under consideration.

_Come to the common room,_ Jay said, unusually serious, as he was getting ready to sleep.

_Right now?_

_When you are ready._

_Something happened to David?_

_No,_ she hurried to assure him. There was a long pause afterwards, which he used to get into the shower. _I think I know why he woke up, though._

Now more curious than worried, Liam got into bed in record time, halfway to the common room before his head hit the pillow.

Jay was already waiting for him, skimpy dress and combat boots and his own jacket that was three sizes too big for her.

“Where is David?“ he asked right away.

“Fine. He didn’t want to be here for this. I need to show you something.“

He nodded and followed her, shifting into his real form as they went.

He did that more and more often since David was awake, as if remembering where he came from, now that the reason for his existence was around once more. It was beginning to affect his body language in the outside world, he suspected. He knew it could become a problem eventually, but until it did, he was reluctant to treat it as such.

She led him out of the apartment that became a house, with a back door leading to a wide meadow. Combat boots and padded lion paws left deep imprints quickly filling with water as they went across. Grass gave way to stone when they entered the cave at the end of the meadow, and there he stopped at the first crossroads, his hackles rising.

“Jay, where are we going?“

She turned to him.

“Trust me? I really think you need to see for yourself.“ She pushed a strand of silk brown hair off her forehead with a quick nervous gesture. “I need another set of eyes for this. Please.“

That did it: Jay rarely asked for anything. He nodded and she began walking again.

The worst part was, he knew where they were going. He’d just hoped he was wrong. Down they went, hitting all the landmarks, one more gruesome than the next; reminders of things he’d rather forget mixed with more general symbols that weren’t any better. His claws grated against the stone before they reached the cell, but there was nothing he could tear apart. Oh, he’d tried. Years ago, he’d killed the image of their tormentor whenever he wandered too close to the common room, over and over again, but it never worked for long. He was a part of them, now, a constant reminder of their abuser and the most terrifying monster Liam could imagine because it was a monster they could have become – could still become if he ever got out of his cell. It was the part of them that believed in the law of the jungle, in taking whatever they wanted to balance out what was taken from them in turn.

Liam loathed him more than he’d ever dared to loathe the real man.

He didn’t want to look at him, even when they arrived in front of the cell. There was only so long, though, that he could stare at Jay’s grave, expectant face without her starting to mock him for being a coward – or worse, without the Beast getting the first word.

Just the thought of being called ‘sweet boy’ again made him turn his head, the beginning of a growl in his throat.

There, behind the grimy bars, in the dark, dank cell littered with bones of small animals and worse, sat Gadreel, motionless.

Liam stared at him in shock for a long, long time while his pulse was picking up. Sometime in there he’s shifted; when he finally looked back at Jay, he appeared human again.

“Where is the Beast?“

“Gone.“ She jerked her shoulders in an aborted shrug. “I didn’t find it anywhere, not a hint, and I’ve been looking. I think it’s gone for good.“

The thought of her wandering around the maze down here alone, seeking out the Beast on purpose, made him sick. She stared up at him, her face pale as if something in that cell gave off faint white light. Her lips crooked.

“What do angels do, Liam? They purge evil, right? I think Gadreel purged the Beast and that’s why David woke up.“

Liam swallowed and took a grateful lungful of air. He hadn’t realized he forgot to breathe before.

“I don’t know why he ended up down here like this, though,“ Jay continued. “He doesn’t talk to me. I think he hasn’t moved since I found him.“

Liam took a more thorough look.

Gadreel waited.

He sat there, rigid, legs apart as if braced for a blow that never came and gaze miles away from there. It was too dark in the cell, but Liam could swear his shirt was ripped open under his parted jacket, the skin underneath mangled and oozing blood.

Absently he lifted a hand and rubbed at his own chest, where his blackout under Gadreel’s reign left him with an array of scars that looked like the work of a particularly deranged, artistically inclined torturer.

It didn’t, to Liam’s relief, open any connection between the two of them. The angel didn’t even flinch.

Liam drew himself to his full height and ground his teeth, feeling a muscle in his jaw jump.

“Gadreel.“

Nothing.

“Gadreel.“

The angel wasn’t blinking. His face was somehow more visible than it should have been in the dark cell. It made him look unreal, pale like a drowned man.

Liam let out a careful exhale through his nose. Sometimes, myths and fairytales worked down here.

“Gadreel,“ he commanded for the third time and bated his breath, waiting for the awakening.

It never came.

Uncertain, Liam took a half step back and looked at Jay, who shrugged.

“I tried worse things to wake him up. Nothing worked. Do you think we should-“ She made an aborted gesture, shying away from the bars before she could come close to touching them.

“No.”

The mere idea twisted his stomach. No matter who sat behind them, the bars to the cell were corruption. To touch them was unthinkable, a suicide, a way to become the Beast.

They were solid, without a lock. They’d built them that way, he and Jay and a couple others who had been active back then.

“So what now?“ Jay asked, looking as helpless as he felt.

Liam gave Gadreel a long, considering stare, looking for any sign of a reaction, and found none.

“We leave,“ he decided, “and we talk.“

 

They never got Gadreel to so much as blink. They tried everything. Talking, yelling, pleading; Liam even spent three nights in a row reading fairytales to him, like he once had for David.

It didn’t help this time, either.

They left him food and water, found a way to sneak them into the cell without touching the bars.

The water remained untouched.

The food rotted.

Liam’s nightmares extended to waking hours. A glint of light on a table knife in his periphery made him flinch, flashes of bloody actions not his own made him lose his lunch more than once. Some days it got so bad that Jay or even David had to cover for him, taking control of the body while he was curled up in the darkest corner he could find without leaving the house in his mind, shivering and biting back pleas to nobody present.

Slowly, though, other scenes and tidbits of information began to filter through the gruesome bloodbath. Images of roads, of turning points, and a conviction that they are all somehow connected to the missing months – that at the end of that treasure hunt, he would find his answers, for better or for worse.

It was Liam calling up the meeting in the common space this time, long after the road took shape in his mind like a trace of red hot coals.

They nearly didn’t let him finish.

“We’re going. You need it.“

The next time three days off appeared in his schedule, he boarded a bus and aimed for Lebanon, Kansas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter contains the scene I've had in my head for so long that I simply had to write the fic.  
> So naturally, it's the chapter I might end up rewriting.  
> I'm confident I will finish the story one way or another, but the update probably won't be so fast this time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, everyone! (Almost) full rewrite it was. And it will be again for the next chapter. I’m no longer sure if this will cap at 5 or 6 chapters… maybe 7…

He stared at the inconspicuous door in a hillside, the abandoned powerplant looming above him, and focused on breathing. His pulse drummed in his temples like a herd of horses running for their lives.

All the way here, he never expected to actually find that door. It felt too much like a dream to be real, like something belonging to the inside world, not the outside one. He was standing outside an actual magic gate leading to a secret place and it made him feel as if he was drowning, no matter how much he reminded himself that there still might be nothing more special than the insides of an abandoned powerplant behind that door.

There wouldn’t be. If this part of the partial, shredded, nightmarish memories he’d inherited was real enough to take him to a real place, he had to face the chance that the rest of them were, too.

It was too terrible to consider, but it was also too terrible to turn away from without answers.

If half of what he gathered from the memories was true, angels were real and merciless, and so was everyone involved in that world.

If all he was getting were Gadreel’s hallucinations, second-hand, then whatever happened to him beyond that door could happen to Liam, too.

He’d gladly risk his own life just to know, but he had no right to risk everybody else.

_Hey,_ Jay said, and it felt as if she was somehow propping him from the inside. _This is a joint venture, remember? We’re with you._

He didn’t know how much he needed that reassurance until he realized he’d been hyperventilating.

_It’s dangerous._

_No shit. Go for it anyway._

He reminded himself very firmly that between the two of them, Jay had the worse self-harm issues. He swallowed through dry throat.

_David?_

The awareness of the boy’s presence came to him reluctantly, but it did come.

_I. Don’t have an opinion._

Liam focused on calming down for a while longer, because for what he wanted to say next, he needed to be convincing. He needed to be convinced.

_You are a priority to me, David. This could undo everything good that happened to us thanks to Gadreel. It could even kill us. If you tell me to turn back, I will. I need you to decide what you want. I can handle nightmares. I couldn’t handle- I don’t want to risk you._

He could hear David sigh dramatically, but there was a smile in there somewhere.

Liam waited, and gradually, the smile faded and became tension.

_Can you shield me from what happens if it turns bad?_

_With everything I am,_ Liam swore without hesitation. 

_Then… I guess… Don’t we owe this to the guy?_

Liam closed his eyes. It didn’t bring him the clarity he wanted, or the privacy, because all it did was to highlight Jay’s expectation and make him remember Gadreel, motionless behind the bars of the cell that was never meant to be his.

_Yes, we do. Though it might turn out he belongs in that cell._

_In that case we need to find out if he does, right?_

Liam huffed through his nose.

_Yes. We do._

_Then go._

Consensus reached, Liam resurfaced and walked to the door. Where he promptly felt like an idiot, because of course it was locked.

It was such a mundane obstacle to end the drama that Liam stood there for a good long while, flabbergasted, while his two realities shakily aligned: the one in which he seriously considered having been possessed by an angel who could move objects with his mind, and the one in which he had no idea what to do with a locked door.

All that time, nothing moved inside that he could hear.

It was a last ditch effort more than any real attempt when he raised his fist and knocked. It echoed dully, like proper metal door leading to an abandoned maintenance corridor should.

After a long moment he knocked again, weaker, and considered what to do next. He could, theoretically, return to Lebanon, buy some groceries and return here regularly over the course of the next two days, before he had to go back to work. It wouldn’t be easy to find a place to sleep in the tiny town of Lebanon, especially as it was getting cold overnight and most of his spare money for the month went into bus tickets already, but he’s been homeless enough times in his life to get by.

He could also take the silence inside as a sign, walk away and never come back, no matter what it cost him to do so.

The click of the lock was so quiet that he wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it, especially when nothing else happened.

Feeling completely out of his depth, he tried the handle again.

It yielded under his palm and the door opened. Light filtered through the crack, but no sound.

Liam cleared his throat, trying to keep his skyrocketing pulse under control.

“Hello?“

“Yeah, feel free,“ sounded a reserved male voice from somewhere down below and rather far away, if he wasn’t mistaken.

He pushed the door open.

His impression of the secret place, gathered through several fragmented nightmares and hallucinations, had been very close to real. The space was vast already, with doorless portals to other parts of the structure. A stairway with simple but elegant art deco railing led down to the floor level where two figures stood, way too far from the door. The stairs were concrete and the men wore normal shoes; he didn’t believe either of them could sneak up, unlock and sneak down without him hearing a sound, but that was how it seemed.

“What are you waiting for? Come here,“ the same man as before called. It was the one on the left, more directly facing the stairs. He was tall, sturdy, sandy-haired, and there wasn’t a trace of friendliness in his voice. Both men looked at him as if ready for a fight to break out and it made him lift his open palms on instinct, just enough to show he doesn’t have a weapon.

He saw blood on them. He recoiled and closed his fists, quick, before his palms could shine with light that was bright enough to kill. For one brief, dizzying, nauseating instant he was a murderer, a whole different kind of beast than the one he’d feared before. He couldn’t stop the step back he made. It took nearly all of his will not to turn on his heel and run. He already breathed hard as if he did just that and was sprinting down the decrepit old road.

Cursing himself for the visible sign of weakness, he forced himself to straighten and focus again on the situation.

The door remained open behind his back, which gave him an illusion of an escape route but hardly more than that. If the door was automatic enough to unlock at a distance, it could be automatic enough to close and lock at a distance.

He took the first step down the stairs anyway, and then the second, one hand gripping the handrail and the other kept open, unthreatening, as he neared the men on the floor.

The expression of the man on the right flickered, refusing to settle between fear, distrust, revulsion, and oddly, compassion. He was dark-haired, even taller than the other, and breathing a little too deep, too controlled like someone keeping a tight leash on the adrenaline coursing through him – it made two of them but it didn’t make a good sign.

Liam had absolutely no idea who the men were, but especially the one on the left looked as if he’d love to shoot him. Liam hoped, futilely most likely, that the pair of them was unarmed.

He couldn’t speak if his life depended on it, so he merely gave up the last of the dubious advantage the higher position on the stairs gave him and stopped on the floor, facing the two men, though he noted they stood too far apart for him to comfortably take in both of them at once. Undoubtedly on purpose.

“I thought you were dead,“ the one on the left opened. It sounded as if Liam personally betrayed him by not making sure that was true.

The one on the right made a small, offhand movement as if throwing something to Liam’s feet. Metal clanked on the cement floor – a small lighter. Liam stared, uncomprehending, for just the second it took for some kind of liquid to catch flame that ran in a circle around him. He flinched, but before he could do anything, the fire cut off his way back to the stairs and closed the ring.

He looked to the men in terror, finding the sandy-haired one’s expression darkly victorious and the other one’s just dark, but neither of them made the slightest move to follow up the nonsensical action with anything that made it into an actual attack.

The flames reached barely to his knees and didn’t show a sign of spreading any nearer to him. Symbolism aside, he was far from as trapped as the men seemed to think he was.

He didn’t believe it would be wise to point it out, just in case they wanted him either caught or dead.

“Did you really think we’d welcome you back, just like that?“ the man to the left demanded. “After everything you’ve done?“

Right. This was the moment to explain he wasn’t who they remembered.

It was perhaps telling that he’s managed to not have to attempt this explanation to anybody in the last eight years.

He swallowed several times to get his throat to work.

“I think you’ve met Gadreel.“

The sandy-haired man’s eyes narrowed – but it was the other one who spoke.

“You are the vessel.“

Liam turned to him. The man seemed dubious of his own conclusion, wary, but it was an in.

“I don’t know what a vessel is. I am-“ He hesitated for a fraction of a second and cursed himself for it, but in the end he decided to go for honesty. It was better than giving them a name they could find him by. “Liam.“

There was something strangely empowering about standing in a dangerous situation under his own name. He felt his heart rate calm somewhat and he stood up straighter. He still chose his next words very carefully and he didn’t hold eye contact too long with either of the men.

“I… knew Gadreel. I don’t know what happened to him. I’m merely trying to find out. Sorry for intruding.“

“What do you remember?“ the taller asked. The question itself revealed a lot.

A vessel. Something to hold something else.

Liam swept his fingers over his sweating palms, a nervous gesture he caught too late to stop.

“Very little. Flashes, mostly. I wasn’t even sure this place was real until I already stood at the door.“

The man nodded, utterly unsurprised. Liam couldn’t decide whether it felt validating, or unreal.

“Well then,“ the other jumped in cheerfully. “If you’re just the vessel, hop on out. Won’t hurt a feather on you, I’m sure.“

Liam studied him, then the fire.

The flames looked as harmless as fire could be, as easy to jump over as before – but not easier, as if whatever was fueling them could do so for hours if need be. They gave off a faint, pleasant herbal smell.

The man’s expression was a clear sign there’s something hidden going on, some invisible catch.

He extended a hand above the flames just to feel the heat and lost his courage halfway there, inexplicably. It was instinct, or a flash of memory that didn’t make it up into his consciousness, or simply his damned susceptibility to believe in stupid things.

“What is it?“ he stalled.

“Holy fire,“ the man to the right explained. “Nothing special to a human, but it would burn an angel if he tried to cross the line.“

Liam caught and held his eyes. He couldn't find a trace of a lie in them.

“You really believe that. You believe an actual, real angel was possessing me.“

The man studied him in turn, a little confused but mainly just thoughtful.

“You don’t?“ he asked after a moment, looking as if he might accept either reply.

It was that more than anything that prompted a honest response out of Liam.

“I- wasn’t sure. Frankly, I’m still not.“

“Come on, dude, pull the other one,“ the sandy-haired man complained. “You had to black out for months and if you remember a tenth of what Gadreel did, you know he wasn’t human. You think you, what? Made him up?”

Liam measured him carefully. It occured to him that maybe, if this man believed in angels, he might believe in what Liam was, too.

Maybe it existed as truly as Gadreel, somewhere.

He blinked, momentarily lost in a fantasy of physically changing into his true shape and jumping out of the ring of fire with a mighty roar.

It was a stupid fantasy that could get him killed.

“It wouldn’t surprise me as much as real angels do,“ he admitted, wary.

The man’s eyes narrowed in confusion, as if mental illness was a rarer phenomenon in his world than angels.

“Are you…“ He made an aborted gesture, but seemed to realize before it really started that it would be offensive if Liam really was whatever he was unwilling to vocalize.

“Are you mentally ill?“ the taller one picked up after him.

Liam couldn’t decide whether his expression was closer to understanding or pity. He took a deep breath.

“Yes,“ he confirmed, surprised how level he managed to make it come out.

“Sonofabitch!“ the sandy-haired one yelled. He made an agitated step aside, then promptly turned back. “Shit! That’s a new low, even for him!“

Liam stared at him, trying to calm his newly racing pulse, until it dawned on him that the man is angry on his behalf and the ‘him’ probably referred to Gadreel. After which he didn’t know whether to be offended or touched.

“I’m not fragile,“ he pointed out. “If you’re right about what he was, then he could have come to anyone and nobody would be more prepared for him than I was.“

The men hesitated, then exchanged glances. It was, surprisingly, the sandy-haired one who seemed more ready to accept his proclamation. The other one remained tense.

“Did you-“ And now it was him who seemed unwilling to say the rest. “Do you remember letting him in?“

Liam hesitated.

“For the love of-“ The sandy-haired one muttered, disgusted.

“Yes, I let him in, knowingly,“ Liam said, feeling oddly as if he needed to defend Gadreel, though what from, he wasn’t sure.

“He asked permission both times,” he amended after a moment.

“Right. Because you let him in twice. Man, what the hell?“

At least this time, that clear distaste was aimed this way, where Liam knew what to do with it. He shrugged.

“The first time, he didn’t do anything to anybody. He helped people. He helped… me, and then he left because somebody needed him more. I had no reason to turn him away when he came the next time.“

The man stared at him, incredulous.

“Other than, I don’t know, losing the rights to your own body?“

“I didn’t. Not the first time he was with me. He was co-conscious, but he didn’t control the body.“

“I call bullshit.”

“Can you step out of the holy fire or not?“ the other man interrupted, his eyes narrowed.

Liam looked at him, frowning, then at the flames. Chances were, the unease he felt at the thought of crossing them had everything to do with some remnant of Gadreel in him and nothing to do with actual danger, but that didn’t make him any less reluctant.

“I don’t believe he should try,“ a new voice said.

Going by how casually the other two acknowledged the newcomer, they knew he had been there just out of sight, listening in. That made him somehow special, though how, Liam couldn’t begin to guess.

This third man was a little less tall than the other two, though there was something about him that made his presence more commanding. His dark hair looked as if it lost a battle with a hairdryer, but it was his eyes that caught, and held, Liam’s attention.

He had the kind of stare that made Liam wonder if he can see under his flesh and call him out on not being human. It made him straighten, uncertain and fighting not to let it show.

“I’m Castiel,“ the man introduced himself gravelly when he came near. “Gadreel’s brother. You shouldn’t be alive.“

Liam blinked, unnerved, but this man – no, another angel if he spoke the truth – didn’t look is if it was a mistake he’d love to personally rectify. If anything, he looked… something positive. Curious, definitely, and almost hopeful.

Maybe it was his default expression, though. Liam’s experience with Gadreel didn’t make him an expert on angels, but he knew they could be awkward in the matters of human interactions.

“What makes you say that?“ he asked cautiously.

“Gadreel died in Heaven. It would spare the vessel, normally, if the soul hasn’t departed from the body yet. Gadreel, however, died in a way that should have made that impossible.“

That didn’t sound like hearsay anymore. That sounded like confirmed news, and Liam fought against the grief that was slowly pushing in. He’ll have all the time in the world to grieve, but first he had to survive this.

“How did he die?“

Something like regret crossed Castiel’s face.

“He sacrificed himself to make amends for his mistakes and to help restore Heaven. We were imprisoned by our enemy and he triggered his grace to explode to break me out.“

Liam flinched.

“He died in prison.“

It made far too much sense. It explained why Gadreel appeared in a cell. It explained why they never got him to react. The thought of carrying a dead angel’s image inside him made Liam reel, horror added to the grief. What they had been trying so hard to save was no more than a corpse, a shadow on the wall left after a nuclear explosion nearby.

“I’m… sorry for your loss,“ Castiel said, sounding both earnest and a little questioning, as if he wasn’t sure that was the fitting reaction.

“You must be kidding me,“ the sandy-haired man muttered, earning a sharp glance from Castiel. It only made his expression harden.

“What? Nobody should cry for that douchenozzle! Least of all you!“ he suddenly pointed at Liam. “I don’t get you. You got possessed. You survived it. You should celebrate. Go throw a party or something!“

“Dean. Lay off him,” the taller one said calmly but firmly. “It’s not so simple.“

“Why? Or do you mean to tell me you-“ Dean suddenly trailed off and gulped, as if afraid of the reply he might get if he finished his question.

The face the taller man made was… complicated. It hit Liam, suddenly.

“You are the other one.“

The man looked at him, startled, but didn’t ask what he meant, making Liam all the more sure.

“It was you two Gadreel wanted to protect.“

“Like hell he did,“ Dean snapped, but Liam wasn’t watching him. He was watching the other man – the other host to his angel, who looked as if the conversation shook him to the core but he was trying to steel himself.

“He.“ He swallowed. “Went about it in a very wrong way.“

He didn’t deny it was an attempt to help gone wrong, though. He also looked as if he desperately needed to change the topic.

“I’m sorry,“ Liam told him and left it at that.

“Gadreel made many mistakes that are hard to forgive,“ Castiel said, “but his intentions were good. It is a recurring theme between us, I’m afraid.”

Liam had the distinct feeling that despite outer appearances, his words were aimed at the two other humans more than at him. He wondered how many people, or angels, his ‘us’ included.

Not even Dean found anything to say to that. When he turned to Liam, it was with the same suspicion, but with much less tension.

“If you say you were co-conscious,“ he pronounced carefully, “and you remember enough to find this place, how come you don’t remember us?“

Liam shook his head.

“I don’t remember faces, or names, more like… impressions. I was wondering about that, too, but now I think it has something to do with how angels see people.“

It made the tallest of his three captors frown thoughtfully for a moment, then nod almost imperceptibly, while Castiel looked as if it confirmed something for him.

“So,“ Dean said. “Cas, why exactly do you think he shouldn’t try to jump through the fire?“

“Because I remember being Emmanuel,“ Castiel replied seriously.

It apparently meant something to the other two.

“You think he’s Gadreel and doesn’t know it?“

“No,“ Liam rejected the idea before any of them could react. “No, I’m not him. Believe the guy with twenty plus years of therapy under his belt. I know exactly who and what I am and I’m not Gadreel.“

Dean just lifted his hands, taken aback by the outburst, but Castiel studied him without a twitch.

“Do you have all your memories before you first met him?“

Liam clamped down hard on the need to make a distressed gesture. His hands shook.

“You are talking to a mentally ill guy. No, I don’t have all my memories, but I have enough. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t make all my identity issues even worse, thank you!“

Jay leaned into him from the inside like a warm weight and he flinched, belatedly realizing he had shouted at three very dangerous people who definitely had an upper hand over him.

“Sorry. Sorry,” he backpedaled, and hated himself for it.

“No, that’s fine,“ the tallest said. “I’m sorry for this. It’s just that in the lives we’ve had, anything is possible, so we need to check. Gadreel… I agree he wasn’t outright evil, but he did some terrible things – some of the worst of them when he thought he had to hide. If there’s the smallest chance he’s alive, we need to know. I don’t know if he’d be welcome back in Heaven, but we could help set him up if not.“

“Or shoot us to get rid of the problem,“ Liam countered, bitter, with a significant glance in Dean’s direction.

“Can’t kill an angel by shooting him,“ Dean shrugged. The faces his companions threw his way would be hilarious under different circumstances.

“Gadreel died to give Heaven and humanity a chance,” Castiel said firmly. “The situation in Heaven is still… difficult, but if he is alive, I will be happy to help him.”

Liam looked at him for a good long while, but the angel showed no signs of realizing he doesn’t make any sense.

Neither did the other two, until the tall one finally had the epiphany.

“That. Um. We’ve had people come back from the dead, so.“

“In short,“ Dean picked up, “Cas saw him dead, but that doesn’t mean he stayed dead.“

Liam shook his head, feeling for once like the most sane one in the room. It wasn’t as pleasant as he had thought it would be. It was also the least of his worries at the moment.

“Okay. I will keep it in mind in case he comes a third time,“ he agreed, keeping his tone easy. He hoped that if he failed, they would read it as doubt and not the lie it was. “Thank you for telling me all this. It’s good to know I don’t have to go get myself locked up in a psych ward for the rest of my life. Am I free to go now?“

He couldn’t miss the disappointment in Castiel’s face, or the way Dean’s hardened again.

“You aren’t going to pass through the fire, are you?“

Liam lifted his head and returned his gaze.

“No. And I shouldn’t have to. Even if I was Gadreel, you talked about helping him, not keeping him here against his will. Are you going to release me, or was that a good cop act?”

For a short moment, the tension held. Then Castiel sighed and outstretched his hand, palm down. As he lowered it, the flames lowered as well, until they vanished entirely.

If Liam had had any doubts about his being an actual angel, that casual show of magic dispelled them.

“Thank you,“ Liam told him.

“I will give you my number,“ Castiel said, straightfaced. “Call me if you find out anything strange, or if you need help.“

Liam, only a little bewildered, nodded. Being told to pray he would get, under the circumstances. This angel, though, apparently thought cellphones were more handy.

“I don’t have to be here for this,“ Dean murmured, still disgusted by the whole situation, and left them there.

Liam accepted the number from Castiel, keeping an eye on the remaining human throughout. Then he turned on his heel and walked slowly up the stairs, towards the still opened door, his stomach sinking and fluttering with every step, the space between his shoulderblades tingling as if a gun was trained on him.

Nobody shot him. Nobody so much as called after him.

Then he was out, the cold fresh air hitting him with the smell of dying leaves and freedom. He sagged against the wall next to the door, trying not to hyperventilate.

So it seemed he really was allowed to leave.

He let that thought settle in, just enough to let him gather his courage. Just enough to peel himself off the wall and stride back in.

The eyes of both the angel and the man shot to him the moment he appeared, and didn’t leave him until he came to a halt on the last step, reluctant to walk back into the circle.

Then he did it anyway.

“Thank you,“ he repeated, much more heartfelt this time. The tall man’s brows drew together in confusion, while Castiel just stared at him expectantly. Liam took a deep breath as if diving into a lake off a cliff.

“I think I need your help.“


	5. Chapter 5

It was right about then, with the man and the angel staring at him expectantly, that Liam realized it will be incredibly difficult to explain Gadreel’s predicament without telling them too much.

It wasn’t exactly usual for normal people to travel their own mind like a landscape.

“I don’t know whether Gadreel is alive or not,“ he opened, because that was easier. “I’m afraid not. But there is something left of him and I- I don’t want to carry a dead angel around. Maybe I can’t save him, but he doesn’t deserve to sit there like a ghost.“

“Not really a person, just unfinished business?“ the man suggested.

Liam nodded.

“Something like that.“

Steps could be heard, then Dean appeared in the doorway on the other side of the room. He didn’t comment or join them, though, just leaned against the wall with his arms crossed and listened in.

The balance has shifted, Liam realized. They had let him go, making the still opened door a way out he could take any time. And he had returned, showing them a certain level of trust. He was a stranger and they were a team, vastly overpowering him if they thought it was necessary, but they were also four (apparent) people solving a problem together.

“I don’t even know your name,“ Liam told the tallest one, who blinked in surprise.

“Sorry. I’m Sam. That is Dean.“

Liam accepted it with another nod, then carefully picked his way forward. Before he chose how to start, though, Castiel spoke.

“What exactly do you sense of Gadreel?“

So much for all his preparation. He grimaced, then bit the bullet.

“I can see him.“

Sam frowned.

“You hallucinate him?“

“No.“ This time, they let him pick his words. “There’s a technique, visualization, or meditation, however you want to call it, but it lets you travel your own mind. There are symbols, whole stories you can be a part of – something like daydreaming, but with more meaning. It’s hard to explain. Either way, I can see Gadreel. He’s stuck about as far as I can go, sitting in a cell, and catatonic. I think-“

He faltered. Castiel was staring at him, not with the endless patience his therapist sometimes showed, but with absolute focus as if every word he said could win or lose a war. It made him feel important, but at the time it wasn’t the kind of gaze a human-adjacent being was made to hold for long. Liam glanced at Sam, whose expression was much harder to read but much easier to bear.

“I think he knew, on some level, that what he had done was wrong,” he continued mostly for his sake. And his own. And Gadreel’s. “I think he felt so terrible for it that he went looking for a sufficiently heroic death and found it. So he died in prison, and now he sits in prison, because he needed to get you out of it, not himself.”

Castiel, wonder of wonders, lowered his gaze, even though Liam hadn’t meant it like an accusation.

“He wouldn’t do that,“ Dean spoke from the other side fo the room and sauntered closer. “He freaked whenever he was locked up. With his history it’s not exactly a surprise. He would never lock himself up willingly.“

“With his history?“

“You never looked up his name?“

Liam, feeling like a kid caught by his teacher without his homework, slowly shook his head.

“I was just happy it’s not one of the notorious ones.“

“It’s not far from it,“ Sam said. “I’m not sure you would have found the right sources, but Gadreel was the angel who had been supposed to protect Eden. He failed, Lucifer got through him. The other angels blamed Gadreel for it. I think most of them thought he conspired with Lucifer. I’m almost sure that wasn’t true.“

“He has spent millennia in Heaven’s prison,“ Castiel followed. “He only went free because of the Fall.“

“That was the meteor shower,“ Sam specified. “You must have met him shortly after that.“

Liam’s throat went tight as he processed that backstory, fitting it to the angel who wouldn’t let a kid scrape his knees and seemed ready to profess undying loyalty for a bit of kindness.

“So,“ he pushed past the knot blocking his airways. “He got out of prison after an eternity, without any kind of support. Dealt with it about as badly as former long-time inmates usually do when they are thrown out like that. Still managed to turn around. Got locked up again while he was trying to do better, probably had a panic attack, and jumped at the opportunity to kill himself, because whatever had happened to him the first time had been bad enough that death seemed better than a repeat performance. And in all that he somehow remembered to shield us from the blast, even though it meant his image or remnant or what it is ended up in yet another prison. Did I get anything wrong?“

He was nearly shouting again, he realized; he would pace, but he has learned long ago that when a man his size paced, it unnerved people around him.

The two humans didn’t seem to be able to look him in the eye, but Castiel suddenly took a quick breath and perked up.

“He might be alive.“

Liam had to hold back a derisive snort.

“You’ve said as much.“

Castiel had none of it, too stuck on his idea not to follow it to the end.

“Gadreel was one of the oldest and most powerful angels in existence. Nobody knows what he could do, but the only way he could have kept you alive was by creating a shield, a buffer between you and him, out of his own grace before he bound the rest to explode. I thought the blast hasn’t leveled us all because he had been weakened by all his injuries, but perhaps not. Perhaps he left you with enough that he could be restored.“

“Wait,“ Dean said. “Are you saying that he something like cut off a limb and now you want to, what, regrow him from it?“

Castiel turned to him, utterly straightfaced.

“The nature of angels is not the same as the nature of the animal and human realm, Dean. An angel’s essence is made of grace, but also, an angel’s essence is contained in every piece of his living grace.“

It was Sam who managed to digest that piece of information first.

“How about personality? You are still you when you lose your grace, so there must be something outside it that makes up an angel, right?“

“No.“ Castiel frowned – wondering how to explain from the looks of it. “A graceless angel is always incomplete. What you call the same personality is like an imprint in clay. It’s close enough to reality, but not reality itself. There’s no other ingredient than grace that you need to restore an angel fully.“

Liam took a deep breath, fighting the hope just as hard as he’d fought grief not very long ago.

“What do I do to find out if he’s alive?“

“I think you first need to know what he’s done,“ Dean said. “Chances are, after you hear, you’ll want him dead as much as I do.“

Liam shook his head, just a tiny back and forth that came so naturally it surprised even him. He couldn’t imagine a crime after which he’d want Gadreel dead. Inactive, neutralized so he couldn’t hurt anybody else, maybe. Not dead.

“I already know some of it,“ Liam told Dean. “I know he’s killed… a lot. There was a time I didn’t go to the police only because I wouldn’t have anything to tell them. I wouldn’t recognize his victims, I wouldn’t be able to tell them where the murders happened. Unless they’ve found my DNA somewhere, I’d probably get a short evaluation, new meds and a recommendation not to watch the news if I identify with the murders so much.“

“You know he’s killed an innocent kid who never did anything to him? Who trusted him?“¨

Liam averted his eyes, suddenly cold.

“Kevin Tran wasn’t a child, Dean,“ Castiel argued. “He was a prophet of the Lord who was on track of a spell that could unravel all of Metatron’s schemes. We were at war. As much as I regret Kevin’s passing, it was a move that made strategic sense.“

“Oh, so now it’s alright because it was a war? Screw that, Cas! Kevin never chose to fight in some damn war! He thought he was safe here!“

Liam shook his head, trying to make sense of the fragments of memories he was usually doing his best to ignore.

“I don’t remember anything like a war,“ he said, in part to break up the brewing fight. “Skirmishes, maybe.“

“Don’t think about it on a human scale,“ Castiel told him. “There would be a couple dozen angels on each side at most. There… isn’t as many of us as there used to be. As for Gadreel, Metatron used him to do his dirty work and to recruit for him. Gadreel was so eager to restore his reputation, he was easy prey to Metatron, who was a master manipulator.“

Liam nodded slowly. Most of the memories that weren’t terrible for other reasons were cloyed with the overwhelming sense of a dead end, of surviving between options that were one more horrible than the next.

“I remember him helping people, too. And animals.”

Mostly, he suspected, because these had been the only bright spots in the nightmare Gadreel’s life in control turned out to be.

“He did want to help,“ Sam confirmed bitterly. “There just were things he wanted more.“

Liam sighed.

“Sorry. I think I’d need to hear his side of the story to make any sense of it.“

“Say you get to do that,“ Dean said. “Say he’s convincing enough that you don’t want him dead. What then?“

“If he is alive, he is going to be too weak to move to another vessel,“ Castiel added. “Even if he could find one. I could assist him into Heaven, but I’m afraid too many would find his crimes unforgivable. He’d be in danger, regardless of any official decision.“

Liam smiled faintly, but it was too soon to jump to conclusions.

“Is he going to be strong enough to take over whenever he wants to?“

“I don’t know,“ Castiel replied. “That is a matter of will as much as grace.“

“We can help with that,“ Dean said. “There’s a sigil you can use to bypass an angel and get to the vessel.“

“How do you want to get him to let anybody use it on him?“ Sam asked. “You can’t lock him up, he’d freak again.“

Dean smiled humorlessly.

“Parole. He checks in every once in a while, or we check up on him, whatever. We use the sigil, ask Liam here if he’s been playing nice. If not, or if he runs, we hunt him down and he gets his ass dragged up into Heaven.“

Liam considered it shortly.

“Sounds fine. As long as you let me decide when it’s enough and I trust him to behave without the threat hanging over him.“

Sam made an open-palmed gesture. “You’d still get an angel riding in you, or with you, for as long as it takes for him to be able to move on. You’re fine with that?“

Liam smiled.

“Absolutely.“

Sam just shook his head, looking as if he was teetering between nausea and admiration. Apparently, being a host, a vessel, has messed him up, badly. Liam still remembered how it had felt at the beginning, before he figured out he’s sharing: losing time, blacking out, waking up drunk, or drugged, hurt or in a cell or both, or, once, on the wrong side of a bridge’s railing, high above a river.

He wished he could tell Sam something to make it easier on him, at least something to make himself appear less like a saint.

Then he realized he has to, anyway.

“It’s easier for me than it would be for almost anybody else,“ he started gently, because it wasn’t as hard when he addressed Sam. “If I don’t count the part where he is an actual angel, there’s nothing about Gadreel that is new to me.“ He swallowed. “I have no idea who you’ll get when you use your sigil, though.“

He had expected confusion from the two men, but not the suspicion he got.

“What are you?“ Dean demanded, tense all over again.

Liam barely stopped the half a step back his body wanted to take. He raised his hands, placating.

“He’s human, Dean,“ Castiel reassured his companions. “An angel can’t take a monster vessel.“

Liam blinked.

“Monster?“

“Shapeshifters,“ Dean told him. “Werewolves, vampires, ghouls, you have it.“

Liam bit down on a question about winged lions.

“I suppose none of those any more metaphorical than the angels,“ he asked carefully.

“That’s right.“

Liam was suddenly very glad to have gotten Gadreel’s confirmation about his origin.

“In that case, I’m very much human. There’s just more of us in here.“

Dean still looked at him as if he wasn’t quite ready to let go of his original idea.

“More, as in…“

“More as in more people in one body… for a given definition of person. I live with DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder.“

The medical term worked like a charm: Dean’s shoulders relaxed, and so did Liam’s.

“How does that work?“

Liam shrugged.

“There are different people, or entities, depending on how developed they are, in one body. The point is, I have no idea who your sigil will bring to the front. Could be me, because I’m in control most of the time. Could be the original. Could be someone I don’t even know yet.“

Dean stared at him.

“Whoa. You weren’t kidding when you said you had identity issues.“

Liam bared his teeth at him in a mirthless grin.

“Okay.“ Dean shook his head. “Okay. I think I see why you’re so chill about Gadreel. You thought he was the same as the rest of you? And he played along?“

Liam drew in a startled breath.

It was easy, with his apparent aggression, to dismiss Dean as the muscle of the team. Clearly, he was anything but.

“I don’t think he deceived us intentionally,“ he replied cautiously. “It just didn’t occur to him how resistant we – or at least I – would be to the idea of actual supernatural beings.“

“Or he is just a very good actor.“

Liam shrugged.

“Or that, and he only risked revealing himself when he heard your prayer. Can’t say I’d blame him for wanting to be accepted no matter what, if what you say about him is true.“

“Gadreel was very lucky to have met you,“ Castiel said seriously, and then blissfully ignored the weird looks his two human companions gave him. “I should be able to find out if he’s alive, if you allow it.“

Liam had the feeling there’s something deeper behind that request for permission.

“What do you need me to do?“

“Let me look for him in your mind.“

Liam tensed.

“You want to possess me?“

“No. I merely want to read your mind.” The angel paused, just a little. “I understand most people value their privacy, but it is the least painful way. Also the least harmful to either you or Gadreel, if there is any part of his living grace in you.“

His expression didn’t reveal anything but straight-faced earnestness; if he was a liar, he was a very good one. Dean, for once, kept his opinions to himself, as if he didn’t care either way. Sam- Sam stared at him as if willing him to say yes, even nodded almost imperceptibly, encouragingly, when he met Liam’s eyes. Whatever issues he had with possession, they clearly didn’t extend to this other angel rummaging in someone’s mind. Liam shouldn’t take it as the recommendation it tried to be, but there was something about this man, about the experiences they shared and about his attitude, that made Liam trust him more than the other two.

Then he realized that he’d just told them enough that he could afford to take the time and discuss with the others, because even if these three interpreted his stalling correctly, there was nothing worse they could think about it than the truth.

The thought staggered him enough that it took him a while to be able to use the opportunity.

_Jay? David? Did you hear?_

_Most of it,_ Jay replied readily. _Think we can handle him if he lies?_

Liam held back a grimace.

_No idea._

_I don’t think we can stop him if he decides to go for it,_ David said, uneasy.

And wasn’t that a sobering thought.

_They gave us a choice,_ Liam reminded them all. _We can leave if we want to._

It was tempting. Gadreel wouldn't be any better off, but he would also be safe from the other angel. As for the rest of them, they would have less trouble to handle.

_Gadreel owes us answers,_ Jay said after a moment. _It looks he owes everybody answers, pretty much. But we owe him for this. For what we have, right now. The way I see it, he’s one of us. Even if he’s an actual angel._

Liam nodded. There was a reason he and Jay had been the two last active members for a while and learned to co-exist. As different as they were, they agreed on a lot of things.

_David?_

The boy was silent for so long that the two men in front of Liam started to fidget, exchanging glances, then stared at him again. He grimaced apologetically at them.

Dean lifted an eyebrow and exchanged another glance and a shrug with the other.

_I want to meet him,_ David finally said. It sounded surprised, but not indecisive. _If you think it’s worth the risk…_

_It is,_ Liam told him, relieved, and met Castiel’s gaze.

“You will keep us aware,“ he told the angel firmly. “Me and whoever else will want to join in. We’ll take you to Gadreel. And you won’t do anything to him, or us, without our consent. Do you agree?“

Castiel nodded, very seriously.

“Yes.“

There was a long pause in which Liam steeled himself for the intrusion, a prickle of Jay’s expectation at the back of his consciousness. At its end, Castiel shifted his weight.

“I believe you should sit down,“ he suggested a little awkwardly. “Dean?“

The man nodded and then jerked his chin towards the other entrance into the room.

“Come on.“


	6. Chapter 6

Dean led them into what looked like a library: study tables, decent lighting, and hushed atmosphere that felt as if it should have been filled by more people than just them. Something niggled at the back of Liam’s mind. The first room had been unsurprising, but this one was outright familiar.

“What is this place?“ he asked offhandedly while Dean directed them all to the nearest chairs, far from the comfortably enclosed spaces further in.

“The Men of Letters’ bunker,“ Sam non-explained. “Can I get you guys something?“

“I’m fine, thanks.“

Castiel eyed the arrangement for a moment, then turned two chairs to face each other. They were close; when they both sat down, their knees were brushing.

“What do you need me to do?“ Liam asked Castiel. He’s lost track of how many times he’s done that during the past half an hour.

“Nothing,“ was the laconic reply.

Castiel leaned forward and reached – Liam flinched, his back hitting the backrest of the chair.

Castiel paused. He paused, nothing worse than two outstretched fingers aiming at Liam’s forehead, but Liam remembered in gruesome detail what an angel’s bare hands could do.

“I won’t hurt you.“

Liam barely dared to blink, but Castiel’s voice wasn’t placating. It was an oath in its own right, and it did calm him a little.

“You agreed to this,“ the angel reminded him.

Liam locked his jaw and nodded, once.

Castiel finished the movement.

 

They stood in the common space, the transition between the outer and inner reality so fast it made Liam stagger before he found his balance.

Jay was already waiting there, haircut askew and her hands behind her back, innocent like a little girl, which meant she wore her brass knuckles and was ready to fight for her life.

“Hello. I’m Castiel. I’m an angel.“

The smile she gave him was much too sweet.

“Jay. You’re here for Gadreel?“

“I am.“

“Jay,“ Liam soothed.

She ignored him, instead tilting her head at the angel.

“You hurt him or anyone else here and I’ll hunt you down and kill you if I had to tear your throat out with my teeth,“ she announced, her tone light.

Liam lurched forward to stand between her and Castiel, his sharp, “Jay!“ almost an afterthought. The angel seemed to study her for a moment, even though Liam’s bulk blocked her from his sight.

“I understand,“ he said at last. “Will you take me to him now?“

Liam could feel her frowning behind his back.

“I guess. Dave, you coming?“

It took Liam a few seconds to spot David, lurking in his bedroom just past his door. The boy hunched his shoulders when she called him out.

“I’ll pass. Bring him up if you can.“

This time, her smile was genuine.

“We’ll do our best.“ She gave a significant glance to both Liam and Castiel, then sighed and finally relaxed. The brass knuckles vanished from her hand.

“Come on, you two.“

They made the first step – the rest of them passed in a blur. They hit all the landmarks on fast-forward, a long and sickening journey transformed into nothing more than a slideshow of impressions to let them arrive at the right mood and the right place.

The dark stone corridor was damp, cold and unwelcoming, leading even deeper into the maze, where Liam never dared to go. The cell was the only thing of interest in this stretch of the wall, so tiny that they had to stand close together to all see into it.

Gadreel was there, sitting on a bench as if he hasn’t moved since the last time Liam had seen him, withdrawn and so completely still that if there wasn’t obvious depth and weight to him, he’d seem to be nothing but a picture of himself.

The bars of his prison, once covered in grime and slick with a substance Liam rather never examined, have dried and were shedding rust in uneven patches, revealing bright steel underneath.

Gadreel was making his surroundings cleaner.

He was also locking himself out more and more firmly.

“Gadreel. Brother.“

This far deep, Castiel’s voice revealed who he was, clear and piercing underneath its gruff like silver wind chimes and sunlight on the background of the distant roll of thunder.

Gadreel gave no sign he heard him.

Jay’s hand found its way into Liam’s and squeezed.

“What do you sense?“ Liam asked Castiel quietly, even if he had a sinking feeling that he could have yelled and it wouldn’t have made a difference.

Castiel didn’t respond, his attention on various details of the cell but mostly on the angel inside.

Then he raised his hands and grasped the bars.

Liam flinched and backed into the corridor the way they came, pushing Jay behind him. She went without protest.

White light shone from within Castiel’s closed fists, purifying, terrifying. Rust fell to his feet like dirty snow, revealing metal bright and bladed and beautiful in its severity.

It broke with the sound of a shattering mirror.

Liam turned away from the blast, shielding Jay with his body. Shards rained around them, ricocheting off the walls of the narrow corridor. Liam felt them hitting the backs of his denim-clad calves, but none of them were fast enough to cut.

When he dared to look again, first to check on Jay and then on the angel, Castiel stood there, blood on his face and hands, but the wounds were already slowly healing.

He was breathing a little faster, his expression unreadable.

Liam dared to make a step closer so he could look into the cell, dragging Jay with him out of necessity because she apparently wasn’t about to let go of him anytime soon. Silver shards crunched under the soles of their shoes. Every few seconds one or two lighted up like sunlight and dissolved.

Gadreel sat inside, still in the same position as before, but he was staring at Castiel in shock.

Jay squeezed Liam’s hand and made a little jump at the hopeful sign.

“Gadreel, brother,“ Castiel repeated patiently. “It is good to see you.“

Gadreel squinted at him, a fraction of a movement that was gone as soon as it happened. His face began turning blank again.

“You are a hero,“ Castiel said quickly. “Your sacrifice freed me, exactly as you intended. Hannah helped me and Metatron convicted himself, so our brothers and sisters recognized his treachery and turned on him. We have won. I only wish you have been there.“

Gadreel hung his head. Whether it was in relief or regret, Liam couldn’t tell, but at least he was responding. Somewhat.

Castiel glanced at him and Jay, then went back to looking at Gadreel with pinched brows.

Liam gathered his courage and stepped forward. To his slight surprise, Jay released him, staying behind.

“Gadreel.“

His breath caught when Gadreel’s head swiveled to look at him, eyes wide.

He cast about for something to say. Something to make Gadreel believe he should come back.

“I’m fine. Jay, too. Coming around after several months was tough, but we’re past that, now. You’ve woken David, we think. I owe you for that more than you can imagine.“

Gadreel straightened, hanging on his every word. Liam cast about for more.

“We think it’s because you purged the Beast. You made it safe again for him to wake up. He’s recovering.“

“You can walk out, join us upside,“ Jay offered. “I’ll introduce you.“

Something like hope crossed Gadreel’s face, before he lowered his gaze again.

“I betrayed your trust.“

His voice was so much older than Castiel’s, like deep valleys and forests never touched by human hands.

Jay shrugged.

“Shit happens.“

She was grinning at hearing him talk.

“You did,“ Liam told him. “You have a lot to answer for and it will take a while before we trust you again. We want to give you another chance anyway.“

The flare of hope was unmistakable this time, but it quickly burned out into disbelief, then defeat.

“I have wasted all my chances,“ Gadreel murmured.

“Not this one.“

“You don’t know what I’ve done.“

“I know enough.“

Liam weighed the risks, the scene, the jagged remnants of missing bars, and then he threw his shoulders back and walked past Castiel right into the cell.

Gadreel jolted upright, staring up at him with a mix of awe and fear as if he was a sinner and Liam the angel who came to strike him down.

It was heady. And sickening.

“You’ve killed. You broke our deal, you pushed us all down and you used our body to kill. I- don’t have words for that, Gadreel. Every. Single. Life. You took was irreplaceable, do you understand that? You can’t ever repay those because you can’t bargain with lives. A life is absolute.“

He watched Gadreel’s expression break into utter desolation at those words, as well it should, but when his anger began to simmer out at the sight, he let it.

“You’ve also saved lives, haven’t you? I remember some of it. I know how relieved, how right that made you feel, unlike the other things you thought you had to do. I know that even when you were desperate enough to commit suicide, you still remembered to shield us. I don’t think you intended to save yourself, but here we are.“

Gadreel’s face was pale, his eyes slowly losing focus.

“You owe me nothing, Liam. Jay. You can forget me here.“

“No,“ they both said at once, a protest from Jay, a decision from Liam.

Liam was faster to follow up.

“No. I can’t and I don’t want to.“

It was at least enough to bring Gadreel’s focus back on him, even though there was little hope in it.

“Gadreel, take it from the guy who got more second chances than he deserved and handed out just as many. You can’t live without second chances. You can’t ever repay what you’ve done, but you can start over. You can build a life worth living. Not everybody will forgive you for your past – maybe some people shouldn’t. You have to respect that. But as long as you want to do better, you can do better. Start small. Figure out how to live without hurting yourself or others, then take it from there. The thing about making mistakes you can’t put right is that you don’t have to. You don’t have to throw yourself into danger, you don’t have to make grand gestures, you don’t have to let anyone take revenge on you. You have to respect boundaries of the people you’ve hurt but you don’t have to take it when they don’t respect yours. Move away if you have to, and that’s it. Live. Make sure you don’t regret how you spend your days. Make sure the people you meet from now on don’t regret it either, unless they’re assholes.“

It wasn’t working. Or it was, at first, but there was something still pushing Gadreel into defeat, and Liam didn’t know what it was and what to say to make it right.

“What Mr. Dramatic here is trying to say,“ Jay spoke up, in that insolent, no-nonsense kind of way he loved and hated about her sometimes, “is that we aren’t giving up on you. You are one of us, now.“

And that got a reaction. That sparked the hope, briefly, before Gadreel’s gaze dropped again.

“I’m not. I’m an intruder-“

“Bullshit. I want you here. I want you as one of us for as long as you want. Chances are, I’ll pester you into staying longer than you want. David wants to meet you. Liam is doing his worst to get you unstuck from here but damn he’s trying. He even fetched you another angel.“

Liam flinched and turned around. He’d been so absorbed with Gadreel, he’d forgotten Castiel was still there. The angel looked a little weirded out by being referred to like this, but he soon let it pass, turning to Gadreel instead.

“Castiel,“ Gadreel breathed as if seeing him for the first time.

If Castiel’s heart broke at that, he didn’t let it show.

“Hello, Gadreel,” he greeted again.

Gadreel appeared at a loss of words for a good long while.

“You live. We must have won.“

Liam barely dared to breathe at the fragile wonder in his voice.

“Brother, how did you find me here?“

Castiel’s eyes flicked to Liam, then back to Gadreel.

“Liam found the bunker.“

Gadreel stood up.

It seemed impossible. The whole space warped with him – not visibly, but there was a sense of heavinesss, like a mountain moving. It was as if Gadreel had put down roots and now was straining against their pull. Once he stood, the cell, the whole surrounding area, was irrevocably changed, though how, Liam couldn’t begin to guess.

“Is he safe?“ Gadreel demanded. He seemed to be towering over Liam, over Castiel, his presence filling the tiny cell to bursting. “Are they all safe?“

“Yes,“ Castiel replied, sounding unfazed. “Sam and Dean won’t blame the vessel for the angel’s deeds, you know why.“

“The Winchesters.“ Gadreel hesitated as if he didn’t quite dare to ask. “They are alive and well?“

Because of course he cared about the men whose first instinct was to treat him like an enemy. Liam turned to Castiel just in time to see him beam.

“Yes. They are well.“

Gadreel sat back down. Liam swallowed a yell of protest at that. He did catch Jay’s muffled, “Oh no, you don’t!” but she was just as powerless as him to stop it, maybe more.

“Then it is my presence here that threatens my vessel,“ Gadreel concluded, much too calmly for Liam’s liking. “Brother, have you come to purge me?”

Liam’s head snapped to Castiel, but he wasn’t looking at them. He was studying Gadreel, his mouth set.

“Do you want me to?“ he asked at last.

Liam prepared to jump between them, because you didn’t do that, you didn’t ask a self-sacrificing, suicidal idiot for his wishes on the matter. Distantly, he became aware of the glint of brass between Jay’s fingers.

“No,“ Gadreel said, and he sounded so ashamed of himself it turned Liam’s stomach despite the relief he felt.

Castiel smiled, just slightly.

“That’s good. I’m not here to end you, brother. You’ve suffered enough. Besides,“ and now Castiel was outright grinning, in an understated way. “Your vessel threatened to rip my throat out with her teeth if I hurt you. Jay’s words, though I’m sure the whole soul shares the sentiment.“

Castiel’s keen eyes were on Liam, with something that looked like approval more than anything.

Liam nodded his respect and turned back to Gadreel, sure for now that the other angel was not a threat.

Gadreel, who looked overwhelmed and uncertain, but at least undoubtedly alive. And wanting to live, that was the most important part.

“Come out,“ Liam told him. “You don’t belong here.“

Gadreel looked at him, maybe for the first time truly present in the moment instead of caught in his own head, but he didn’t make a move.

“I’m not sure I can,“ he admitted. “I’m not sure I should.“

“Will you share this time?“ Liam asked him. “Will you talk to us before you do anything stupid?“

“There sometimes isn’t time,“ Gadreel hedged and Liam didn’t know whether to strangle him or be relieved to hear the old argument.

“There is always time. Not the moment you have to react, but the very next moment. Take the hospital. If you had enough time to plant the explanation in our head, then you had enough time to explain in person. Don’t tell me you didn’t. Don’t tell me there wasn’t a single moment afterwards when you could have come to us for support or advice before you got in too deep to get out.“

Gadreel just hung his head and shook it.

“I had already made the worst mistakes by the time I asked for your second consent. I’m sorry.“

Liam only blinked, then let it pass for now.

“Okay,“ Jay said. “Guess that means you do stupid shit when you aren’t with us. So you can’t ever leave again, easy.“

It was back, that naked hope in Gadreel’s expression, and Liam finally caught up.

“Yeah,“ he confirmed. “We want you here. I don’t care how you got here, you are one of us now. It’s going to be a lot of work, but we aren’t giving up on you.“

“Why? I broke all the rules you set for me.“

Gadreel sounded genuinely confused, and present enough to handle the long explanation instead of a short version intended to make him react. Liam shrugged.

“I guess that’s twofold. I’m used to work with alters who fail a lot. Why do you think you came to a system with only two of us active? There have been many others during the years, but me and Jay, we were the only two able to somewhat function without hurting ourselves or others. But also, you aren’t an alter – and we didn’t believe that. Okay, I didn’t believe that,“ he corrected, because even without looking at her, he could feel Jay make faces behind his back. “You are a whole different species with an entirely different culture and experiences, and I thought it’s just a backstory. I’m not sure I would feel obligated to respect people who disrespected me so blatantly if I were in your place. I’m sorry, Gadreel.“

The angel shook his head.

“You have nothing to apologize for. I could have proven myself. I chose not to.“

Liam nodded, unsurprised.

“So now we know,“ Jay said lightly. “And you can consider yourself officially adopted. All of the perks, none of the drawbacks, how’s that? So come on out already. My teeth hurt when I see you in there. We’ve built this cell for the thing that hurt us the most and you aren’t it, not by a long shot. Come out.“

Gadreel smiled at her, but his smile faded when he looked up at Castiel.

“I can’t imagine the Winchesters would be too happy to see me free.“

“They will come around. You were an ally the last time they saw you. There seems to be no crisis at the moment, but they won’t choose revenge when they may have an ally the next time they need one.“

His tone made Liam wonder what kind of lives those three had that it made Castiel so cautious about assuming ‘no crisis at the moment’. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“I’m not going to be much of an ally,“ Gadreel said, his voice tinged with shame. “I’m weakened. Even if I wasn’t, I won’t bring my vessel into danger again.“

“Hey,“ Jay sputtered.

“We’ll see about that,“ Liam said, earning Gadreel’s confused squint.

“I want to know about what you’re dealing with,“ he told the angel. “Do you think you are the only one who wants to matter? It wasn’t don’t risk us, ever again. It was don’t risk us without our consent. Gadreel, we need to talk a lot, and I don’t want to do it here.“

Gadreel looked at his cell, taking in what little details there were with wry acceptance.

“I don’t know if I can leave,“ he admitted at last, addressing nobody in particular. “I’m not yet whole… I’m not sure I will ever be. I’ve been bound and imprisoned for so long, I’m not sure I know how to be anything else.“

“We’ll help you,“ Liam promised.

“Gadreel,“ Castiel said firmly, drawing all their attention to himself. “Take my hand.“

It was such a simple gesture, but it charged the air with potential.

Liam measured the distance between Castiel’s outstretched hand and Gadreel and understood, suddenly, the same way he understood many things in the mindspace: Castiel could break Gadreel out of his stupor, he could offer help, but he couldn’t save him without Gadreel meeting his effort with his own.

Castiel walked all the way down for him. Gadreel had to make two steps.

“Come on, you can do it,“ Jay muttered, her fingers crossed and the brass knuckles gone again as if they never were.

Gadreel stood up once more.

It wasn’t so strong this time, the sense that the bedrock shifted and rebuilt itself to accomodate that change, but it was still there. Gadreel stood but didn’t move forward.

“The last time I was free, I was willing to do anything to retain my freedom, to clear my name. I have wronged you, Castiel. I have wronged others. I have committed unforgivable crimes.“

“That wasn’t about walking free, Gadreel,“ Liam told him. “That was about being alone and on the run and thrown into a situation you couldn’t hope to navigate. It’s going to be better this time. You’ve learned something from your mistakes and you have us to help you. You have Castiel, too, don’t you?“

“Yes,“ Castiel confirmed gravely, his hand never wavering.

Gadreel made his first step, heavy as if held back by chains, then stopped. Liam resisted the urge to push him, or pull him.

“Come on, come on, come on,“ Jay chanted quietly as if she could break Gadreel free of whatever it was that held him back just by wishing for it strongly enough.

There was another sound just on the edge of Liam’s hearing, a distant rumble like an avalanche coming. It made him want to be out of here as soon as possible, but he didn’t quite dare to bring anybody’s attention to it. Not now, when Gadreel’s state of mind was so precarious.

Jay stopped chanting abruptly.

“Uh. Guys? I think we need to leave. Now.“

Fine tremors ran through the ground under their feet. The few shards of the bars that were left were going out faster now, each in a flash of sharp white light.

“That’s my fault,“ Gadreel whispered. “I cannot-“

“No,“ Liam interrupted him. “You don’t get to go out in a blaze of heroic glory to save our lives, or sanity, or whatever it is you think you’re doing. You’re leaving here with us if I have to drag you like a carcass.“

He shifted into his true form and spread his wings, and the walls of the cell receded to make space for him. His determination made him huge, greater than the two angels, all coiled power and sharp claws and teeth.

“Because I can,“ he finished.

It was, of course, pure bluff, the last desperate attempt in the face of the oncoming catastrophe. He couldn’t move Gadreel in lion form any more than he could in human form, it simply didn’t work like that. The ground was shaking now and he let out a roar, more impatience and fear than anything else.

It spurred Gadreel into action. He buried his hand into Liam’s mane, twisted his fingers into it, firm, and only then did he make that missing step and caught Castiel’s hand in his.

The tremors ceased so abruptly that the shock of it threw Liam back into human form. They stood there awkwardly, Gadreel holding Castiel’s hand and clutching Liam’s sleeve, and none of them knew what to make of the situation.

Then Jay snickered into her hand and Castiel heaved, dragging Gadreel and by extension Liam out of the cell, giving them both a once over. Then, to Liam’s astonishment, he hugged Gadreel.

Gadreel was so stunned that he only stood there, letting go of Liam, and let Castiel do whatever he wanted for as long as he wanted, without ever reciprocating.

He did relax after a moment, closing his eyes and resting his head on Castiel’s shoulder, even though he never actually returned the embrace.

When Castiel finally decided to step back, both their eyes were clear. Castiel turned without a word and started walking, leading them out of the maze. Jay left him her usual role without a protest, instead wrapping herself around Gadreel’s arm in delight.

Liam brought up the rear, watching them all, and couldn’t stop smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo… I should probably return to writing my original fiction, which was what I was doing before I decided that this story needs out. And I had such a blast writing it, I don’t think I have ever written anything faster.  
> Apparently I don’t know when to stop, though, so I’m already toying with ideas for a continuation. A Sadreel one. Or more like a Sadreel & Gadreel’s vessel quite complicated polyamory.  
> I’m not promising anything at this point, but… anybody interested?

**Author's Note:**

> As always, any kind of feedback, including constructive criticism, will be most welcome!


End file.
